A Chameleonic Guide to Survive as a Politician in Nigeria

 

A Chameleonic Guide to Survive as a politician in Nigeria

Existing as a politician in Nigeria can be a very tricky affair, our former playground has been converted into a global standard stadium and only the fittest can survive. It is becoming increasingly difficult for a sizable majority especially the group categorized as millennials to survive as a politician in Nigeria. The recent events which surround the Nigerian political turf has shown how poor the Nigerian youth populace are as far as politics is concerned and this guide shows you how to survive as a politician in Nigeria, especially as a millennial.

 

Who are you to Contemplate Delving into

Nigerian Politics?

One of the funniest things about the Nigerian politico-sphere is the firebrand activism displayed by a majority of the Nigerian youth who give the impression that they’re deeply concerned but end up getting involved only for the “twitter relevance” it brings them. This irritable attitude has gone on for so long and the longer it does, the more it eats deep into the fabric of our democracy.

As a result of the lack luster interest shown by the youth who constitute a little over 50% of the total population, our fully packed El-Classico political stadium is overcrowded with halfwits and nincompoops who feel the need to constantly dip their filthy hands into the coffers of our dear nation. It seems like the word “Politician” in Nigeria is now a synonym for “Idiot” for lack of a better suited word to describe the old men who occupy the top political offices in Nigeria. So I ask you again, who are you to contemplate delving into Nigerian politics? You should know, if you do not already that the Nigerian politico-sphere is not meant for the faint heart and if your heart makes it a habit to fail you on certain occasions then simply stay back on the side-lines (stay, of course, only if you can pull a “BUHARI” successfully for four or more years) and root for your favorite politicians.

 

QUICK READ: Five Reasons Why Buhari and His Stalwarts will Rig the Election Forcefully

Categories of Politicians in Nigeria

In the most populated black nation of the world, being a politician can only mean two things.

  1. A rich, corrupt Nigerian with enough resources to control the situation in his favour.
  2. An idealist with not enough resources to effect a change.

Oh forgive my manners, there’s a third;

  1. A Dino Melaye whom should fall into one of the two categories above but won’t because we simply cannot in good conscience do that to the rest.

There is one thing about being a successful politician in Nigeria, and it is that you have to be a CHAMELEON! Those who are unable to put on multiple colored coats are usually for the most part kicked out of their political affiliations or stabbed and left out to dry up in the cold. It is, nonetheless, very important to point out that it is very rare to find a young Nigerian politician between the ages of 30 and below who falls actively into any of the three categories listed above largely because a sizable majority of the population which falls into this age range either shows no interest in politics at all, are waiting for their old and sullen ancestors to let go of the widely coveted political positions or are busy trying to become music stars (no offense to real talents out there).

Over time, it has become very popular to incorporate technocrats into our political systems by political office holders in a bid to control as much as they can politically. It is the simple reason why intelligent Nigerians are seen making waves in politics but lack any iota of influence on their constituents. Need I alert you to the deceptiveness that currently occupies the Vice Presidential office of Nigeria with the name Prof. Yemi Osinbajo? Never has it happened in the short history of our democracy that a Nigerian occupied the vice presidency position for four good years and was not in the discussion for presidency despite his Oga’s obvious failing health. It did not even happen during Goodluck Jonathan’s tenure, despite how relatively unknown Namadi Sambo was.

Hopefully, this guide gives you an insight into how to survive as a politician in Nigeria.

 

3 Types of People that may never Survive as Politicians in Nigeria

  1.     A True Patriot.

Nigeria’s is not the type of democracy you get involved in simply because you feel the need to contribute your quota to the public in many cases, for that singular reason your political career ends even before it starts. In this part of the world, while democracy remains a game of numbers, politics in itself stands a complicated game of favored alliances and being a true patriot in any of these situations puts you at a great disadvantage. This is not, of course, to deter anyone from trying to do good in their country, but you see, the truth is a bitter pill but must be taken anyway. So while considering switching your former boots for that used in the political arena, do remember that although the onus might fall on you to take your country to greater heights, dead men have never done anyone any good unless…

Maybe you’re Pablo Escobar sha or Sanni Abacha.

 

QUICK READ: Branding and the Nigerian Electoral Process

 

  1. A Retired Policeman

On a much lighter note, whoever wonders what happens to those high ranking police officials after their retirement? I would have asked what happens to their military counterparts but they are in no way discreet about holding on to the number one position in the country, therefore, you know where to find them. It is no news that policemen are some of the most unpopular human beings in Nigeria despite that they’re in place to protect the lives of the same citizens who hold them in so little regard. But who is to blame?

Well, if you’re a policeman and thinking about a future career in politics after retirement, then I think you should most probably consider a career change as soon as possible because Nigerians don’t play especially when it comes to trivial matters such as these. We’d rather not invest our time in the issues that actually matter.

  1. Pastors

As much as I tried to not to this, I have to simply because I wasn’t paid to write this and well it’s my credibility on the line here. I’m sincerely sorry Rev’d Chris Okotie but certain stakeholders of our dear country have asked me to inform you to officially abandon your wild goose chase as the desperation to remain in the limelight by contesting for the highest political office in the country every four years is a colossal waste of campaign resources which although as at this time unconfirmed but rumors are is paid for by unsuspecting Nigerians. There are other ways to actually affect the Nigerian polity without contesting for presidency, look out for it in a later post.

Pastoring a church in present day Nigeria is a low risk investment with almost 100% ROI. It is therefore not surprising that while most of our pastors are actually very influential in their various communities, it is quite uncommon to come across pastors who would pull enough votes in their constituencies to win in an election. Not just because of the religious perception which trails a Nigerian pastor wherever they go but also because in the light of recent events, Nigerians are slowly beginning to lose trust in their pastors in cases of money, especially given the way social media has really uncovered a lot of misappropriation scenarios involving pastors of some reputable religious establishments in Nigeria. There is an exception to all cases, of course, and that exception is the Lion of Bourdillon who successfully installed (Redeemed Pastor) Professor Yemi Osinbajo as VP in 2015. So unless you have a certain lion hidden somewhere then kindly face your pastoring job squarely or quit while you still can.

 

Beware while reading this and be careful not to mix things up. I have discussed politicians in this article in the context of political players who actually contest elections in this country. To know about the class of politicians who either control everything from behind the scene or thrive basically on appointments look out for my next article.

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